Hitting Reality

I was thinking long and hard about what my first blog post should be about. Should I write about the books I am currently reading, or should I write a short story related to a photograph I had taken some years back of some fishermen at work? Maybe I can write about cultural hegemony in recent times or about global warming and how the world is set to end by 2050. Finally, I decided to write about something light before plunging into deeper, murkier waters. So, I am going to write about my encounter with a tree.

Ever since I was eight years old, I was considered a ‘healthy child’, and when I hit my teens, I was full-blown fat-shamed by relatives, friends, strangers, and basically anyone who saw me. All of them were pseudo-concerned for my health and how my pretty face was being wasted on my humongous body. Did it bother me that so many people had so many opinions on my body? Of course, it did. It became the root of my insecurities and I had to deal with body-image issues for a long period of time. I had the audacity to feel like I was ugly and not good enough, that my skin didn’t fit right, and the world would not accept me. Media representation of beautiful being equal to skinny did not help the case, and all in all, I felt like my body was all wrong.

I ate reasonably healthy food, and vegetables and fruits made up a major portion of my diet. I was still overweight, and I acknowledged that. However, receiving unsolicited advice from people all around me all the time brought me down whenever I made an attempt to get up. Being fat became my identity, instead of my description and this is what I despised the most. None of my academic or personal achievements would weigh up against my body weight, and the fact that in the end, people only saw what was outside bothered me too much. I often did not want to leave the house because I was afraid of the stares and I wanted to alienate myself from my relatives in fear of being audience to the same demeaning comments about my body. I am not proud of this period of my life, mostly because I still cannot believe I let these words get into my head and make me self-conscious when there was absolutely no reason to be.

I often exercised under the guidance of my elder brother. He is a gym freak, constantly talking about workouts, muscles and protein shakes. I remember it was in 2014, and he was training to run in a marathon called the Big Bangla Run. He used to go running in the afternoons in Ramna Park, a large park and recreation area a few minutes away from our neighborhood. My brother decided to take me to run with him one day and sure enough, the day came and, wearing a loose t-shirt and track pants, I went along with him to meet my doom.

I had told my brother to run slower with me, since I obviously would not have been able to keep up with him. Eventually, the run became more like a jog, but I was still out of breath only 15 minutes in. One of the other park-goers shouted out that I looked like I was going to die and that made me run faster to get out of the vicinity of that man. However, I really was exhausted and when I told my brother this, he advised me to run with my eyes closed for a few minutes to conserve my energy. Now that I look back, this was a very hilarious piece of useless advice and I should have realized that my brother was making a joke, but at that moment, it felt right. I closed my eyes and continued to run, when suddenly I hit something and found myself on the ground. I looked up to see my brother doubled over in laughter and a huge tree directly in front of me. I had run straight into a tree.

I would be lying if I said that I am completely over my insecurities with my body, but I have improved. I no longer believe myself to be ugly, and I am much more comfortable and confident as who I am. I gave worth to my thoughts, interests and ideas instead of my physical appearance, and I opened my eyes to the fact that I do not need to please everyone. Of course, people still talk, and they will continue to throw in their words of wisdom, but I have learned to smile at these remarks and then pay no mind to them. I am trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, incorporating diet plans and exercise routines into my daily schedule, but these changes in my life are not to make myself finally beautiful, instead these are to keep me healthy and fit and to keep my gears running for a long time. Fat equals to ugly is still rooted in the mindset of many individuals, but there is not a lot I can do to change that. What can I do is change the world with my scientific ideas about genetically modifying human beings to overcome all sorts of diseases and illnesses, but that is a feat for the future.